I'm Gonna Be Still Today

I just need to say, thank you, to all

who have encouraged me since my last post. 

I know it sounded desperate.

I suppose I was desperate, not for attention, 

as some may think, but for respite. 

I have since, stopped the med for ADHD. 

Although, I am back to being 

unable to find the words I want to say

or remember a person's name, 

I am not experiencing the overwhelming feelings 

of hopelessness. 

Sometimes, 

I don't know which is worse

mania or depression. 

I am able to recognize and distinguish 

between the two.

One always follows the other. 

When I'm on the meds, I am manic. 

Not the, head-over-hills-in-love-with-life kind, 

but the so angry-I-could-put-a-hole-in-a-wall kind.

The kind of hyper-anger that makes you feel like

you're in a boxing match with open air, 

jumping up and down, swinging and hitting nothing. 

I can't believe that we've been in our house 

almost a year and I've done very little decorating. 

I rarely go pickin'.  I have no interest in doing any 

of the the things, I normally love.  

That's when I know it's depression. 

Did I mention that I talked to our pastor?

He was very understanding and recognizes that it is not a spiritual matter. 

Thank God, for an understanding man of God. 

The church offered David a part time staff position 

to minister to our youth. 

I am seeing God breathe new life into him.

For that, I am grateful. 

However, in between, I began to voice my uncertainties to God, 

"We're too old."

He reminded me of Abraham 

and I remember the words God spoke to me about 5 years ago, 

"Along unfamiliar paths will I lead you,"

as was spoken to Abraham. 

I started to argue with God, 

"We are the least qualified."

And God reminded me of Gideon, 

of the weakest clan and the weakest in the clan. 

Yes, that's us!

I began to weep and cry, overwhelmed at the task that lay before us. 

God whispered, "Trust me."

I began to say, "The church is dreaming big, and we are so small."

God whispered, "I am going to do something in your day that you would not 

believe even if you were told."

This is what I truly believe, 

we have been put here for such a time as this. 

We have been put in this position so that when God answers 

and God moves and God builds the church, 

everyone will know and declare, It is truly GOD. 

There is absolutely no way this could have happened, BUT GOD!

I got out of my car and looked up a clear sky, 

a sky that has not been clear in a while.

God spoke, "See the stars and count them, if you could indeed count them."

Abraham?

Today, I'm not checking my emotional or spiritual pulse, 

Today, I'm not gonna beat my Bible and scream and cut myself 

in order to hear from God.

I'm not gonna drive myself crazy to get back something that is lost.

I'm not gonna let my feelings be my guide, 

I'm just gonna be still.

B.J. Thomas wrote a song when he rolled over to Christian music

in the 70's, 

"I'm gonna be still and let God love me."

This is what I am going to do today, 

Be still.

I replaced the Christmas tree with a ladder. 

Our House Number

I made this at Women's Craft Night last Fall. 

I added the photos of the Grands until I can get the energy

to put holes in the wall. 

Don't know if I need a hammer just yet!

Being Still,