Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Down Side of Up

I apologize that my posts for awhile now haven't been uplifting.
I even thought about posting on my other blog, 
The Upside of Down, 
but nobody ever reads it and the truth is nobody wants
to know the "Down side of Up."

I'm struggling again with the malady of this diagnosis, 
"Bipolar Disorder."
I hate it. I'm mad. 
I'm mad for many reasons. 

It's better for me to just put it out there. 
You'll have to be my therapist, since I don't have one 
and since my last bad experience, I don't really want one.
That's a story that I can't share and would probably 
result in the loss of his practice.
That makes me mad. 

I'm mad because I have to take medications everyday.
I wish I had never started. 
I wish I had never gotten a diagnosis.
I wish I had never taken an antidepressant, anti psychotic, anti-anxiety
anti-anything because the truth is it's all dependency.
Miss a day, and you find that out!
And now they top it all off with another DX of ADHD, 
and another anti-something to combat the memory issues.

When I forgot my medication.
I can not think, I can not remember how to the daily operations
of the business. 
Yesterday, the sales leader scolded me in front of a customer 
for asking her to repeat her email.
I had to get a credit card approval over the phone.
I especially don't hear well over the phone.
The customer service rep wanted to know our store number.
I didn't know it and didn't understand what she said.
The manager on duty said in front of the customer, 
"You don't know our store number?  Where have you been?"

I may not be able to hear, 
but I'm not stupid.
Maybe a different kind of crazy, but not stupid.
The truth is my brain would not let me focus 
enough to complete the tasks. 
I've heard this at every job I've had for the last 10 years. 
I thought this was going to be different.

I'm mad because the medication has affected my cognition. 
I don't believe adding a new diagnosis and a new medication is the answer.

I'm mad because I can't hear and insurance has been cut and won't pay for hearing aids.
Sometimes, I wonder if the hearing loss has contributed to the decline in my mental status. 
I'm mad because all of this affects my ability to work.  
I want to work.  I love to work.  

I'm sad now, too.  Not necessarily mad that people don't understand.
I can write about anything else and get lots of responses, 
but talk about mental illness and everyone bolts. 

I can't tell the people in the new church what is wrong. 
They expect me to be cheerful and encouraging and uplifting. 
I call it putting on my happy face. 
Oh, I can do that!
I'm a professional when it comes to putting on the happy face, 
the me everybody wants to see. 

It's the ugly cry, the crazy woman in the basement (as a friend calls her depression)
that no one wants to see. 

Today was my day off. 
Work has helped with the depression, 
but work is now causing the mix of depression and mania
to raise it's ugly head.

I need someone to listen tonight. 
I'm sorry that this is not pretty.
Although, I will show you a "pretty" that I am working on 
to keep the demons at bay.

Please don't judge me.
Oh, how I bow my head and knees before my Creator.
I pray for healing.  I pray for acceptance and most times I'm there.
Tonight, I'm not.  He knows that.
Pray for me. 
That's all I can ask from anyone. 

I've listened to this song all day. 
Hope you will find it helpful for whatever is going on in your life. 

Saturday, January 14, 2017

I'm Back

No, I haven't disappeared from the face of the earth.
Yes, I have been super busy.
No, you have not seen any posts from me. 
Yes, either Blogger, the internet or my phone service is to blame. 

(Deep-breath sigh...)

I don't even know where I left off. 

I went home (my Georgia home) on New Year's weekend. 
It was good, very good. 

My brother, sister and I had a meal together. 
I had not see my brother in a few years 
since before we moved. 
In May, it will be two years since our move. 

I can't believe that. 

Anyway, it was a good visit.  I cried when I saw him
and he hugged me like only he can hug.  
Some wrongs were made right and again, I cried when we parted. 

My resolution this year was reconciliation.
God is good.
We all feel at peace.  
It's a feeling I haven't had in a long time. 

I'm still working part-time at The Loft Outlet.
I work with a great group of people. 
It's hard work, but it's fun. 
It's the first job that I've ever had
where I can go home and leave it.

I've been resting from the kids a bit since Christmas.
After Christmas, as always, my emotions took a plunge.
I've not said anything to the children, but I've just rested alot. 

Yesterday, I kept the youngest. 

We did girlie things all day.
We got her a vanity for Christmas.

She's discovered the mirror.
I think she likes what she sees. 

She has a new house and a play room besides her bedroom.
She has a teepee, a princess castle/tent, a table and chairs, 
a Minnie Kitchen, a princess castle doll house, 
a farmhouse with animals, baby dolls and Disney dolls
and only a couple of those things came from Santa and Mommy and Daddy.

Thanks to a December birthday. 

The weather here is crazy, snow one week and high 70s the next week 
with lots of rain.  

The Spring merchandise if already in.
It feels like it's already Spring.

Anyway, just wanted to touch base. 
The Christmas stuff has been put away and I've done a little 
of this and that. 

I'll share later. 

Hope your new year has been a happy one. 


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A Different Kind of Christmas

My Friends, it was a different kind of Christmas for me. 

I did what I always said I'd never do again, 
participate in the hustle and bustle of the season.

I had decided when moving to Nashville that
this was my season of joy, peace and rest. 

Well, circumstances change and life happens. 
Working outside of the home was a necessary change.
So, it was rush here, rush there, plan this, attend that, 
cook, clean, host and now I am totally exhausted. 

I loved on my family and sat and enjoyed their joy, 
but my joy was dampened by a cloud of sorrow.

Some of our best friends back home lost their 2 month old grand baby.
A precious couple from our career class, lost their baby.

I don't mean to dampen your holiday spirit,
but I would like for you to read her blog, 
and write an encouraging note to Mary Michael and Kyle.

The blog is called,

The above is the post about their Christmas without Brayer.
If you read from the beginning, you will feel their heartbeat.

I would encourage you first to read the following,

Mary Michael gives first hand advice about what to 
say and what not to say to someone in their time of grief.

I went home this weekend and saw our friends,
the paternal grandparents of Brayer. 
I wasn't able to see Mary Michael and Kyle who 
live elsewhere.

Kyle was like my little boy growing up.
He has my son's build and every Sunday I'd go up 
to him and say, "Let me hug you.  You hug just like my boy."

When he and Mary Michael started dating, she became my girl.

I never got to hold Brayer.
I never got to see him smile or feel his fist around my finger.
I never got to snuggle with this precious angel, but 
there are so many more "nevers" for mommy and daddy.

I hope you'll support them with your on-going prayers, 
follow her blog, encourage her, but listen and pray more than anything. 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Jesus is the Greatest Gift

Tonight we will continue our tradition of 
Christmas with the Family.

As Daddy did before us, and Granddaddy did 
before him, we will read the Christmas story.

I was always frustrated with the children when they 
were little and I didn't feel like they were listening.

It's just too hard for little ones to sit still with 
the anticipation of gifts under the tree to open.

I think it's okay for us to share in the joy 
of watching them open gifts. 

This year, we will do it a little different 
in a way that they can understand.
We will tell the Christmas story using 
our Little People's Nativity.

I'll let them hold the characters as if 
acting out each part of the Greatest Story Ever Told!

I will tell that that Jesus is indeed The Greatest Gift. 

Yes, I will tell them that the presents under the tree
represent the presence of Christ.

Because Jesus is the Reason for the Season. 

Merry Christmas to You and Yours!