Thursday, February 23, 2017

A Glimpse of February

Surprise!  Two days in a row!
I guess I'm really needing to connect.
At least, I've moved from the sofa to the chair today.
That's a big step.

In the almost two years that we've been here, 
I've done little decorating. 

I had hoped to share my "pink" bedroom, 
which is actually gray, 
during Valentine's week.

I didn't add anything except the side table and lamp, 
but it made me feel good to make up the bed
if only for photos.
Hee! Hee!


I used pink in my wedding. 
It's always been my favorite color of choice
as most of you well know.


I think, 
pearls 
porcelain 
and pink!


I love the ambience here. 


This decor always makes me smile.
It will always be my favorite room. 

I had intended to share everyday in February with you, 
but of course, life happened.
So, you'll just get a glimpse.

Somewhere between then and now, 
this little girl grew up. 


When did this happen?  How did this happen?


This is my niece ready to go to her 8th grade Sweetheart dance. 
I can still see my little girl behind the make up and glam.


She has a piece of my heart, 


as these have my heart.

We kept the girls last Friday for the the mommies 
and daddies to have some time together. 


They had so much fun! 


Grandy enjoyed some one on one time with 
our oldest baby girl.


David is beginning to find some connection. 
He has been officially appointed Youth Pastor. 
The thought scares me to death. 
Being a PK, I know the expectations
the church has for its leaders.

This is a big step for him. 
He's an introvert by nature,
but a quiet, strong leader. 

It's intiminading when you're surrounded 
by seminary pastors, doctors and professors, 
educators and the educated. 
I told him, "They have the education.  You have the experience."

Doing youth ministry in the big city is not like 
doing it in a small town among a core group of leaders 
you started doing ministry with 35 years ago.
It's a challenge that we are looking at as opportunity.


These kids are precious. 
They are small, but mighty warriors for God. 
God is growing the church and that is exciting to watch.


It's not been an easy February.

This is how we do crazy when the whole family is sick and shut-in for days. 

Gonna start speaking some positive affirmations DAILY!








Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Missing Home

Looking back, I see that I've only blogged
about 5 times since before Christmas. 

It's been a really hard winter for us. 
David and I have been sick. 
We've both been to urgent care once 
and to the doctor twice in less than a month.
I had an asthma attack one night.
I will NEVER let my inhaler expire again.

We've managed to work, which has not 
necessarily been a good thing, giving 
our bodies little time to rest.

I had a tooth pulled which afforded me a 
few days off from work which I needed.

I've been in hibernation mode.
Spring is teasing me and playing with my emotions.

It's not been a cold winter in TN, 
but a dreary one with lots of gray skies 
and rain, cool and warm temperatures.
No Real Winter!


It will soon be 6 years in March since I've talked to my daddy.
This was his happy place.
This was home.

My husband's family lives on the other side of the lake now. 
Although I'm happy for them, it's hard 
to look across the water and see the old home place.



As I've said before, the hardest thing about 
going "home" is having no "home" to go home to. 

My daughter sent me a message this morning 
that they wanted to go "home" for a weekend.
She said, "Where will we stay?"

Right.  That's an issue. 


This is the image of my daddy that is forever etched in my mind.
The hard, hurting memories have now been replaced with 
good ones...
his teaching the little ones how to bait a hook 
and throw a pole or reel a fish in. 
I just wish he were here to teach my little ones...sniff! sniff!

I think the kids would like to go back here for a day.
It wasn't magnificent but it was home. 



I have many regrets, 
like why didn't we buy the home place.
We could have. 
We were just so ready to get away from all the pain. 
I've always heard, "Make no major decisions the first year."
I wish we had listened.

Some days, I long for the familiar. 
There are challenges with living near your grown children. 
We were empty nested for 13 years. 
We were on our own. 
We answered only to God. 


Sometimes the kids don't understand how we have changed. 
We're older. 
Sometimes, older looks "lazy."

We get tired easier.
Sometimes tired looks "depressed."

We like staying put and being home. 
Sometimes, staying put looks like
"you don't want to spend time with the children."




My longing for home, doesn't mean
I'm ready to move back. 
It just means I remember and I miss 
what can never be again. 
It's grieving and letting go. 
The first year here was our honeymoon. 

Now we are doing real life. 
Real life is hard. 
Change is not easy.

I think it takes us older ones a little longer to adjust. 
My kids may not see it like that. 

I'm gonna touch base with you guys for a bit, 
visit, then it's off to work I go. 







Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I'm Gonna Be Still Today

I just need to say, thank you, to all
who have encouraged me since my last post. 

I know it sounded desperate.
I suppose I was desperate, not for attention, 
as some may think, but for respite. 

I have since, stopped the med for ADHD. 
Although, I am back to being 
unable to find the words I want to say
or remember a person's name, 
I am not experiencing the overwhelming feelings 
of hopelessness. 

Sometimes, 
I don't know which is worse
mania or depression. 

I am able to recognize and distinguish 
between the two.
One always follows the other. 

When I'm on the meds, I am manic. 
Not the, head-over-hills-in-love-with-life kind, 
but the so angry-I-could-put-a-hole-in-a-wall kind.
The kind of hyper-anger that makes you feel like
you're in a boxing match with open air, 
jumping up and down, swinging and hitting nothing. 

I can't believe that we've been in our house 
almost a year and I've done very little decorating. 
I rarely go pickin'.  I have no interest in doing any 
of the the things, I normally love.  
That's when I know it's depression. 

Did I mention that I talked to our pastor?
He was very understanding and recognizes that it is not a spiritual matter. 
Thank God, for an understanding man of God. 

The church offered David a part time staff position 
to minister to our youth. 
I am seeing God breathe new life into him.
For that, I am grateful. 

However, in between, I began to voice my uncertainties to God, 
"We're too old."

He reminded me of Abraham 
and I remember the words God spoke to me about 5 years ago, 
"Along unfamiliar paths will I lead you,"
as was spoken to Abraham. 

I started to argue with God, 
"We are the least qualified."
And God reminded me of Gideon, 
of the weakest clan and the weakest in the clan. 
Yes, that's us!

I began to weep and cry, overwhelmed at the task that lay before us. 
God whispered, "Trust me."

I began to say, "The church is dreaming big, and we are so small."
God whispered, "I am going to do something in your day that you would not 
believe even if you were told."

This is what I truly believe, 
we have been put here for such a time as this. 
We have been put in this position so that when God answers 
and God moves and God builds the church, 
everyone will know and declare, It is truly GOD. 
There is absolutely no way this could have happened, BUT GOD!

I got out of my car and looked up a clear sky, 
a sky that has not been clear in a while.

God spoke, "See the stars and count them, if you could indeed count them."
Abraham?

Today, I'm not checking my emotional or spiritual pulse, 
Today, I'm not gonna beat my Bible and scream and cut myself 
in order to hear from God.
I'm not gonna drive myself crazy to get back something that is lost.
I'm not gonna let my feelings be my guide, 

I'm just gonna be still.
B.J. Thomas wrote a song when he rolled over to Christian music
in the 70's, 
"I'm gonna be still and let God love me."

This is what I am going to do today, 
Be still.


I replaced the Christmas tree with a ladder. 


Our House Number

I made this at Women's Craft Night last Fall. 


I added the photos of the Grands until I can get the energy
to put holes in the wall. 

Don't know if I need a hammer just yet!

Being Still, 






Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Down Side of Up

I apologize that my posts for awhile now haven't been uplifting.
I even thought about posting on my other blog, 
The Upside of Down, 
but nobody ever reads it and the truth is nobody wants
to know the "Down side of Up."

I'm struggling again with the malady of this diagnosis, 
"Bipolar Disorder."
I hate it. I'm mad. 
I'm mad for many reasons. 

It's better for me to just put it out there. 
You'll have to be my therapist, since I don't have one 
and since my last bad experience, I don't really want one.
That's a story that I can't share and would probably 
result in the loss of his practice.
That makes me mad. 

I'm mad because I have to take medications everyday.
I wish I had never started. 
I wish I had never gotten a diagnosis.
I wish I had never taken an antidepressant, anti psychotic, anti-anxiety
anti-anything because the truth is it's all dependency.
Miss a day, and you find that out!
And now they top it all off with another DX of ADHD, 
and another anti-something to combat the memory issues.

When I forgot my medication.
I can not think, I can not remember how to the daily operations
of the business. 
Yesterday, the sales leader scolded me in front of a customer 
for asking her to repeat her email.
I had to get a credit card approval over the phone.
I especially don't hear well over the phone.
The customer service rep wanted to know our store number.
I didn't know it and didn't understand what she said.
The manager on duty said in front of the customer, 
"You don't know our store number?  Where have you been?"

I may not be able to hear, 
but I'm not stupid.
Maybe a different kind of crazy, but not stupid.
The truth is my brain would not let me focus 
enough to complete the tasks. 
I've heard this at every job I've had for the last 10 years. 
I thought this was going to be different.

I'm mad because the medication has affected my cognition. 
I don't believe adding a new diagnosis and a new medication is the answer.

I'm mad because I can't hear and insurance has been cut and won't pay for hearing aids.
Sometimes, I wonder if the hearing loss has contributed to the decline in my mental status. 
I'm mad because all of this affects my ability to work.  
I want to work.  I love to work.  

I'm sad now, too.  Not necessarily mad that people don't understand.
I can write about anything else and get lots of responses, 
but talk about mental illness and everyone bolts. 

I can't tell the people in the new church what is wrong. 
They expect me to be cheerful and encouraging and uplifting. 
I call it putting on my happy face. 
Oh, I can do that!
I'm a professional when it comes to putting on the happy face, 
the me everybody wants to see. 

It's the ugly cry, the crazy woman in the basement (as a friend calls her depression)
that no one wants to see. 

Today was my day off. 
Work has helped with the depression, 
but work is now causing the mix of depression and mania
to raise it's ugly head.

I need someone to listen tonight. 
I'm sorry that this is not pretty.
Although, I will show you a "pretty" that I am working on 
to keep the demons at bay.

Please don't judge me.
Oh, how I bow my head and knees before my Creator.
I pray for healing.  I pray for acceptance and most times I'm there.
Tonight, I'm not.  He knows that.
Pray for me. 
That's all I can ask from anyone. 

I've listened to this song all day. 
Hope you will find it helpful for whatever is going on in your life.