Written 5 months ago. Old news now...
I've been catching up on my blog reading , yes at 3am. Once again, a medication change. I'm gonna get through this one. I want to get better. I have fought the doc on this one for years because getting off makes my anxiety worse but staying on it causes symptoms of dementia and I've had lots of changes lately. I can tell a difference in just cutting down on the dosage. Tonight was my first night completely off of it and I am anxious and awake. I really need your prayers to get through this.
(This is from a draft written in April. Since this time, I am off of anxiety medications completely. I have quit The Loft and started a new job as Program Director of an Adult Care Center. All I credit to the grace of God. I would not have ever imagined that I would be doing this at this time in my life. I expected to stay retired, but that is not what God had planned. I am loving my job and look forward to growing with an incredible, well-established small company who still believes in caring for its members first!)
We celebrated my MIL with a surprise birthday party in April. We went home but stayed at a nearby lake. Not having to think about the home place and no longer having a home there made going home easier.
In June, we celebrated Connor's graduation from Pre-K. He started real kindergarten this year and can't be happier. I can't believe class starts each day at 7:15 am. This is ridiculous and hard on a little boy and his family. He seems to be adjusting so all is well.
In July, we celebrated Independence Day with the family and fireworks.
The kiddos loved it and were not scared one bit. We had them all day. That morning, they played under the sprinkler.
We are teaching our babies that you don't need high tech to have fun! All kids need to learn how to play outside and enjoy the little things. They seems to have a good time at BonBon and Grandy's without the need of technology.
Connor learned to ride his bike without training wheels. With all the cheering and applauds, you'd think he was in the World Series. The neighbors were impressed with his family's celebration.
This little girl's personality is a little me. She has us in stitches much of the time with her many faces.
We attended a Nashville Sounds Minor League Baseball game. The kids enjoyed the concessions and all the hoopla. Baseball is about family fun. It's not always about the game when you have little ones. I'd rather watch them anyway.
This kid! Ahh, he's our only boy right now and he knows it!
Our miracle baby is growing up to have quite a personality. Her mommy and daddy are getting ready to try again for another miracle. I hope you'll believe with us.
So, I'm gonna take the first Saturday morning I've had in months to drop by and visit. I think of all of you often and hope all is well.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
I seem to be blogging less and less. It's been a month since I've posted anything. There are reasons for that. I am working more hours at The Loft Outlet because we are short-handed. When I'm not working, I'm working my Mary Kay business. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I'm doing Mary Kay once again. This is my 4th go-round.
I loved my booth. It was fun doing what I loved at the time. It's just not easy to do here. The cost of rent is unreasonable. I don't go pickin' enough to make it profitable. I've always loved Mary Kay. I've used it off and off since I was 12. I've found that so many in my circle here were either consultants or use the product and have no consultant. I've already made back my investment. So, here we go again. You can check out my website Bonnie's Pretty and Pink
I see the babies often. They are growing. I get the sniffles just thinking about them growing up. Cora, my first baby girl, turned three this month. She's mixture of beauty and mischief. She is a girl after my own heart, a mix of many faces. She swings from shrills and thrills to tears in a second flat. She is a beauty and the spitting image of her mommy.
Her cousins on both sides play like they are all family.
I enjoyed seeing family and friends at the annual Top Nazarene Talent event at Trevecca Nazarene University (TNT at TNU).
It made me miss home just a little bit. Well, a whole lot!
I can't believe how very much the kids have changed in two years. My nephew played a mean game of Competitive Frisbee. He's visiting colleges. I'm hoping for Vanderbilt but he's looking at University of Georgia and Georgia Tech. His major will be Mechanical Engineer. Right now he's rebuilding a motorcycle.
Our miracle baby is a little bit of sunshine.
She loves playing mommy and doctor.
Bless her heart, with her allergies,
she knows exactly what the stethoscope is for!
She begs her mommy to go to "Bon-Bon's house."
I guess Nashville is becoming home.
At least, it feels like it when the kids are there
or we are hanging out together.
It doesn't feel so much like home today.
I lost my daddy in March 5 years ago.
My brother died in March and his birthday is April 14.
If you don't know the story you can read it here.
Connor man doesn't really care for baseball.
He'd rather wait for the treat at the end of the game.
He's ready for soccer.
His mommy registered him for Kindergarten last week.
I don't think she's ready for this.
For Lint, I was going to give up Caffeine and Diet Sodas.
The first two weeks were great.
I got up every morning and walked on the treadmill,
had my quiet time, ate healthy
and then I was hit with a headache like I've never had before.
I missed work and went to the doctor twice.
Needless to say, I fell off the wagon.
I'm getting back on...next week.
I start a part-time job of being a companion to a
precious lady in our church. She's a beauty. She like to have
her nails done and enjoys walking and eating out.
I'll looking forward to spending time with her.
May you be blessed with a peace and joy during this Holy Week.
Remember, He became like us, so that we could become like Him.
Monday, March 6, 2017
I'm as mad as a wet-setting hen,
as my mama used to say.
I'm sitting here petting the cat and she (Her name is Callie. Right now, she is "SHE.")
SHE grabs a piece of my arm
and clamps down, leaving a trail of blood.
I have a bipolar cat!
This happens often, sometimes more than twice a day.
She has not been nice since the move.
She is jealous of the grandchildren, the phone and the computer.
I seriously don't like her!
We are both allergic and I want her gone!
Sorry, cat lovers, but I've had it.
I honestly think, the sedation and move traumatized her.
My daughter's move traumatized their dog.
He is now on Klonopin and Prozac.
Insurance doesn't pay for!
Let me calm down and play nice.
She's hiding under the bed.
This morning I walked on the treadmill, had my quiet time,
filed a claim for the second time for two $100 transactions
with Extreme Well and Pure You Shops for that fat-slimming
stuff that doesn't work.
For the second time, "A debit will show in your account in the next 2-5 business days,"
stated by Trey today and by Sheshaw (no, she didn't spell it) on 1/13/17.
Whew, it's a Monday.
Did a little crafting this weekend
with cloth that I got from The Nashville Flea Market.
I stripped and dyed some of the fabric with tea bags.
I tied the white strips to a line of twine.
I decided against the dyed strips and added burlap instead.
The little sign (that I also found at the flea market)
wouldn't stay level so for now, it's on the ladder.
I am feeling better and able to get my thoughts together.
Maybe it's the sunshine.
I gave up on Winter and snow.
I'll take the sunshine and be grateful for today.
I'm coming out of the funk.
Maybe the cat will too.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Surprise! Two days in a row!
I guess I'm really needing to connect.
At least, I've moved from the sofa to the chair today.
That's a big step.
In the almost two years that we've been here,
I've done little decorating.
I had hoped to share my "pink" bedroom,
which is actually gray,
during Valentine's week.
I didn't add anything except the side table and lamp,
but it made me feel good to make up the bed
if only for photos.
I used pink in my wedding.
It's always been my favorite color of choice
as most of you well know.
I love the ambience here.
This decor always makes me smile.
It will always be my favorite room.
I had intended to share everyday in February with you,
but of course, life happened.
So, you'll just get a glimpse.
Somewhere between then and now,
this little girl grew up.
When did this happen? How did this happen?
This is my niece ready to go to her 8th grade Sweetheart dance.
I can still see my little girl behind the make up and glam.
She has a piece of my heart,
as these have my heart.
We kept the girls last Friday for the the mommies
and daddies to have some time together.
They had so much fun!
Grandy enjoyed some one on one time with
our oldest baby girl.
David is beginning to find some connection.
He has been officially appointed Youth Pastor.
The thought scares me to death.
Being a PK, I know the expectations
the church has for its leaders.
This is a big step for him.
He's an introvert by nature,
but a quiet, strong leader.
It's intiminading when you're surrounded
by seminary pastors, doctors and professors,
educators and the educated.
I told him, "They have the education. You have the experience."
Doing youth ministry in the big city is not like
doing it in a small town among a core group of leaders
you started doing ministry with 35 years ago.
It's a challenge that we are looking at as opportunity.
These kids are precious.
They are small, but mighty warriors for God.
God is growing the church and that is exciting to watch.
It's not been an easy February.
This is how we do crazy when the whole family is sick and shut-in for days.
Gonna start speaking some positive affirmations DAILY!
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Looking back, I see that I've only blogged
about 5 times since before Christmas.
It's been a really hard winter for us.
David and I have been sick.
We've both been to urgent care once
and to the doctor twice in less than a month.
I had an asthma attack one night.
I will NEVER let my inhaler expire again.
We've managed to work, which has not
necessarily been a good thing, giving
our bodies little time to rest.
I had a tooth pulled which afforded me a
few days off from work which I needed.
I've been in hibernation mode.
Spring is teasing me and playing with my emotions.
It's not been a cold winter in TN,
but a dreary one with lots of gray skies
and rain, cool and warm temperatures.
No Real Winter!
It will soon be 6 years in March since I've talked to my daddy.
This was his happy place.
This was home.
My husband's family lives on the other side of the lake now.
Although I'm happy for them, it's hard
to look across the water and see the old home place.
As I've said before, the hardest thing about
going "home" is having no "home" to go home to.
My daughter sent me a message this morning
that they wanted to go "home" for a weekend.
She said, "Where will we stay?"
Right. That's an issue.
This is the image of my daddy that is forever etched in my mind.
The hard, hurting memories have now been replaced with
his teaching the little ones how to bait a hook
and throw a pole or reel a fish in.
I just wish he were here to teach my little ones...sniff! sniff!
I think the kids would like to go back here for a day.
It wasn't magnificent but it was home.
I have many regrets,
like why didn't we buy the home place.
We could have.
We were just so ready to get away from all the pain.
I've always heard, "Make no major decisions the first year."
I wish we had listened.
Some days, I long for the familiar.
There are challenges with living near your grown children.
We were empty nested for 13 years.
We were on our own.
We answered only to God.
Sometimes the kids don't understand how we have changed.
Sometimes, older looks "lazy."
We get tired easier.
Sometimes tired looks "depressed."
We like staying put and being home.
Sometimes, staying put looks like
"you don't want to spend time with the children."
My longing for home, doesn't mean
I'm ready to move back.
It just means I remember and I miss
what can never be again.
It's grieving and letting go.
The first year here was our honeymoon.
Now we are doing real life.
Real life is hard.
Change is not easy.
I think it takes us older ones a little longer to adjust.
My kids may not see it like that.
I'm gonna touch base with you guys for a bit,
visit, then it's off to work I go.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
I just need to say, thank you, to all
who have encouraged me since my last post.
I know it sounded desperate.
I suppose I was desperate, not for attention,
as some may think, but for respite.
I have since, stopped the med for ADHD.
Although, I am back to being
unable to find the words I want to say
or remember a person's name,
I am not experiencing the overwhelming feelings
I don't know which is worse
mania or depression.
I am able to recognize and distinguish
between the two.
One always follows the other.
When I'm on the meds, I am manic.
Not the, head-over-hills-in-love-with-life kind,
but the so angry-I-could-put-a-hole-in-a-wall kind.
The kind of hyper-anger that makes you feel like
you're in a boxing match with open air,
jumping up and down, swinging and hitting nothing.
I can't believe that we've been in our house
almost a year and I've done very little decorating.
I rarely go pickin'. I have no interest in doing any
of the the things, I normally love.
That's when I know it's depression.
Did I mention that I talked to our pastor?
He was very understanding and recognizes that it is not a spiritual matter.
Thank God, for an understanding man of God.
The church offered David a part time staff position
to minister to our youth.
I am seeing God breathe new life into him.
For that, I am grateful.
However, in between, I began to voice my uncertainties to God,
"We're too old."
He reminded me of Abraham
and I remember the words God spoke to me about 5 years ago,
"Along unfamiliar paths will I lead you,"
as was spoken to Abraham.
I started to argue with God,
"We are the least qualified."
And God reminded me of Gideon,
of the weakest clan and the weakest in the clan.
Yes, that's us!
I began to weep and cry, overwhelmed at the task that lay before us.
God whispered, "Trust me."
I began to say, "The church is dreaming big, and we are so small."
God whispered, "I am going to do something in your day that you would not
believe even if you were told."
This is what I truly believe,
we have been put here for such a time as this.
We have been put in this position so that when God answers
and God moves and God builds the church,
everyone will know and declare, It is truly GOD.
There is absolutely no way this could have happened, BUT GOD!
I got out of my car and looked up a clear sky,
a sky that has not been clear in a while.
God spoke, "See the stars and count them, if you could indeed count them."
Today, I'm not checking my emotional or spiritual pulse,
Today, I'm not gonna beat my Bible and scream and cut myself
in order to hear from God.
I'm not gonna drive myself crazy to get back something that is lost.
I'm not gonna let my feelings be my guide,
I'm just gonna be still.
B.J. Thomas wrote a song when he rolled over to Christian music
in the 70's,
"I'm gonna be still and let God love me."
This is what I am going to do today,
I replaced the Christmas tree with a ladder.
Our House Number
I made this at Women's Craft Night last Fall.
I added the photos of the Grands until I can get the energy
to put holes in the wall.
Don't know if I need a hammer just yet!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
I apologize that my posts for awhile now haven't been uplifting.
I even thought about posting on my other blog,
The Upside of Down,
but nobody ever reads it and the truth is nobody wants
to know the "Down side of Up."
I'm struggling again with the malady of this diagnosis,
I hate it. I'm mad.
I'm mad for many reasons.
It's better for me to just put it out there.
You'll have to be my therapist, since I don't have one
and since my last bad experience, I don't really want one.
That's a story that I can't share and would probably
result in the loss of his practice.
That makes me mad.
I'm mad because I have to take medications everyday.
I wish I had never started.
I wish I had never gotten a diagnosis.
I wish I had never taken an antidepressant, anti psychotic, anti-anxiety
anti-anything because the truth is it's all dependency.
Miss a day, and you find that out!
And now they top it all off with another DX of ADHD,
and another anti-something to combat the memory issues.
When I forgot my medication.
I can not think, I can not remember how to the daily operations
of the business.
Yesterday, the sales leader scolded me in front of a customer
for asking her to repeat her email.
I had to get a credit card approval over the phone.
I especially don't hear well over the phone.
The customer service rep wanted to know our store number.
I didn't know it and didn't understand what she said.
The manager on duty said in front of the customer,
"You don't know our store number? Where have you been?"
I may not be able to hear,
but I'm not stupid.
Maybe a different kind of crazy, but not stupid.
The truth is my brain would not let me focus
enough to complete the tasks.
I've heard this at every job I've had for the last 10 years.
I thought this was going to be different.
I'm mad because the medication has affected my cognition.
I don't believe adding a new diagnosis and a new medication is the answer.
I'm mad because I can't hear and insurance has been cut and won't pay for hearing aids.
Sometimes, I wonder if the hearing loss has contributed to the decline in my mental status.
I'm mad because all of this affects my ability to work.
I want to work. I love to work.
I'm sad now, too. Not necessarily mad that people don't understand.
I can write about anything else and get lots of responses,
but talk about mental illness and everyone bolts.
I can't tell the people in the new church what is wrong.
They expect me to be cheerful and encouraging and uplifting.
I call it putting on my happy face.
Oh, I can do that!
I'm a professional when it comes to putting on the happy face,
the me everybody wants to see.
It's the ugly cry, the crazy woman in the basement (as a friend calls her depression)
that no one wants to see.
Today was my day off.
Work has helped with the depression,
but work is now causing the mix of depression and mania
to raise it's ugly head.
I need someone to listen tonight.
I'm sorry that this is not pretty.
Although, I will show you a "pretty" that I am working on
to keep the demons at bay.
Please don't judge me.
Oh, how I bow my head and knees before my Creator.
I pray for healing. I pray for acceptance and most times I'm there.
Tonight, I'm not. He knows that.
Pray for me.
That's all I can ask from anyone.
I've listened to this song all day.
Hope you will find it helpful for whatever is going on in your life.