Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Missing Home

Looking back, I see that I've only blogged
about 5 times since before Christmas. 

It's been a really hard winter for us. 
David and I have been sick. 
We've both been to urgent care once 
and to the doctor twice in less than a month.
I had an asthma attack one night.
I will NEVER let my inhaler expire again.

We've managed to work, which has not 
necessarily been a good thing, giving 
our bodies little time to rest.

I had a tooth pulled which afforded me a 
few days off from work which I needed.

I've been in hibernation mode.
Spring is teasing me and playing with my emotions.

It's not been a cold winter in TN, 
but a dreary one with lots of gray skies 
and rain, cool and warm temperatures.
No Real Winter!


It will soon be 6 years in March since I've talked to my daddy.
This was his happy place.
This was home.

My husband's family lives on the other side of the lake now. 
Although I'm happy for them, it's hard 
to look across the water and see the old home place.



As I've said before, the hardest thing about 
going "home" is having no "home" to go home to. 

My daughter sent me a message this morning 
that they wanted to go "home" for a weekend.
She said, "Where will we stay?"

Right.  That's an issue. 


This is the image of my daddy that is forever etched in my mind.
The hard, hurting memories have now been replaced with 
good ones...
his teaching the little ones how to bait a hook 
and throw a pole or reel a fish in. 
I just wish he were here to teach my little ones...sniff! sniff!

I think the kids would like to go back here for a day.
It wasn't magnificent but it was home. 



I have many regrets, 
like why didn't we buy the home place.
We could have. 
We were just so ready to get away from all the pain. 
I've always heard, "Make no major decisions the first year."
I wish we had listened.

Some days, I long for the familiar. 
There are challenges with living near your grown children. 
We were empty nested for 13 years. 
We were on our own. 
We answered only to God. 


Sometimes the kids don't understand how we have changed. 
We're older. 
Sometimes, older looks "lazy."

We get tired easier.
Sometimes tired looks "depressed."

We like staying put and being home. 
Sometimes, staying put looks like
"you don't want to spend time with the children."




My longing for home, doesn't mean
I'm ready to move back. 
It just means I remember and I miss 
what can never be again. 
It's grieving and letting go. 
The first year here was our honeymoon. 

Now we are doing real life. 
Real life is hard. 
Change is not easy.

I think it takes us older ones a little longer to adjust. 
My kids may not see it like that. 

I'm gonna touch base with you guys for a bit, 
visit, then it's off to work I go. 







10 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear from you, Bonnie. I certainly can feel the emotion in your post. My mom is now in Hospice and in April I will be moving to Tennessee where my two grown sons live. I'll finally be near grand children and near help if I need it. I have you in my prayers for your health and the feeling of missing home.

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  2. I can relate to your post today, Bonnie, because we kept my mom and dad's home for many years, until my brother sold it recently (he bought the home). It was hard for all of us, but a nice man lives there now and enjoys it. Going home is one of the most emotional things, isn't it? This is a wonderful picture of your dad teaching the little one how to fish. What a treasured picture. Having asthma is such a hard thing to live with. Husband had it for years. The pictures of the green grass and lake are so pretty. There's just nothing like home, is there, Bonnie?

    love, ~Sheri

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  3. Bonnie, I know that feeling of wanting to go back home. Well at least for a few days. I would never want to live as hard as when I was young...needing to much, never having enough hugs, clothes or food...but as the years went on and mommy settled down some it became better...not good but better. Then in the last ten years of mommy's life it was good for her, daddy and all us kids. I am sending you hugs...I just know there's times when we need them. Blessings, stay strong honey, xoxo, Susie

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  4. Hi Bonnie, sorry you have had some sickness. That is never fun and to think you have to go to the dentist to get some time for yourself, must not be a good feeling. It is hard to lose your parents, no matter what your age, so thankful that we have good memories of them..Take care, Judy

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  5. So sorry that you and your husband have been sick. I now all about asthma. Always keep your inhaler close.

    I am wanting to back home to VA one more time and I am hoping that I will be able to do that in the Spring before it gets to darn hot.

    Take care of your self and have a wonderful weekend.

    Mary

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  6. Yes, I relate to this as well, even though it had been years since I lived in OH. Our home place sat empty for a year or so prior to having to sell it in order for Mom to be able to get Medicaid so she could live in the nursing center. It was a blessing in disguise as she was able to be "roomies" with her older sister who had already turned 100! Not having this home to come home to, we had to find other places to stay when we came for visits...sometimes with family but often at hotels. If you saw the video I posted on facebook a few weeks back, that was my therapy and the way I dealt with not having that house, the only home I ever lived in growing up, in my life anymore. Having lived away from home for so many years, I felt like I had missed so much of Mom & Dad's later years and totally missed out on helping the family deal with them after they started having health issues...Dad in 2002 at 91 and several years later Mom at 97...in and out of hospitals for a couple of years before she died in 2010. Making that video and giving each sibling a copy was a way I could do something. I did all of my crying and grieving for that house as I worked on it and really helped me let it go, preserving every photo, video and memory that I could. It is really tough to let go but the memories never really go anywhere since they live forever in our hearts. Wow...didn't mean for this to get so long! Love you girl!

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  7. Dearest Bonnie,
    While I am so happy to hear from you,
    I am sad that you are sad.
    I know the feeling...
    My parents sold our family home, due to finances.
    My mom now lives near me in a lovely apartment for seniors.
    But my father is laid to rest in my hometown.
    I don't get to see him as much as I would like, and like you...I have no place to go to that is home.
    But, I like to think of home not as a place ...but a feeling. A good, warm feeling that I can return to in my mind.
    Hugs my dear friend.
    You follow your heart. : )

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  8. I get it. My Dad still lives in the home they built when I as 12, and I would miss it if he moved. He doesn't go to the same church anymore, and I've often wished he did, so we could go to church with him and I could see those familiar faces again. I guess we could go on our own, but that feels funny.
    I hope you guys get healthy and the sun starts to shine - that would certainly help!

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  9. Dear Bonnie,
    I really don't think it's possible to ever 'go home' again.
    Nothing ever remains the same. Home isn't what it was.
    I never had a home that I wanted to return to.....but my Louis Dean has several homes of the heart and we have visited many of them and they are just not the same. We grow and we are not who we were then and the places are not exactly as they were either.
    I will pray that you and yours get well and healthy and that you do what is right for YOU! It doesn't matter what your family thinks. You and your husband are who you are and doing what is best for you. That will mean there will be more of YOU to share with your family! Love and prayers from Texas!

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  10. Bonnie, after I read this I lifted you up to our Lord...He cares for you so. Hugs and blessings, Cindy

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