Tuesday, January 31, 2017

I'm Gonna Be Still Today

I just need to say, thank you, to all
who have encouraged me since my last post. 

I know it sounded desperate.
I suppose I was desperate, not for attention, 
as some may think, but for respite. 

I have since, stopped the med for ADHD. 
Although, I am back to being 
unable to find the words I want to say
or remember a person's name, 
I am not experiencing the overwhelming feelings 
of hopelessness. 

Sometimes, 
I don't know which is worse
mania or depression. 

I am able to recognize and distinguish 
between the two.
One always follows the other. 

When I'm on the meds, I am manic. 
Not the, head-over-hills-in-love-with-life kind, 
but the so angry-I-could-put-a-hole-in-a-wall kind.
The kind of hyper-anger that makes you feel like
you're in a boxing match with open air, 
jumping up and down, swinging and hitting nothing. 

I can't believe that we've been in our house 
almost a year and I've done very little decorating. 
I rarely go pickin'.  I have no interest in doing any 
of the the things, I normally love.  
That's when I know it's depression. 

Did I mention that I talked to our pastor?
He was very understanding and recognizes that it is not a spiritual matter. 
Thank God, for an understanding man of God. 

The church offered David a part time staff position 
to minister to our youth. 
I am seeing God breathe new life into him.
For that, I am grateful. 

However, in between, I began to voice my uncertainties to God, 
"We're too old."

He reminded me of Abraham 
and I remember the words God spoke to me about 5 years ago, 
"Along unfamiliar paths will I lead you,"
as was spoken to Abraham. 

I started to argue with God, 
"We are the least qualified."
And God reminded me of Gideon, 
of the weakest clan and the weakest in the clan. 
Yes, that's us!

I began to weep and cry, overwhelmed at the task that lay before us. 
God whispered, "Trust me."

I began to say, "The church is dreaming big, and we are so small."
God whispered, "I am going to do something in your day that you would not 
believe even if you were told."

This is what I truly believe, 
we have been put here for such a time as this. 
We have been put in this position so that when God answers 
and God moves and God builds the church, 
everyone will know and declare, It is truly GOD. 
There is absolutely no way this could have happened, BUT GOD!

I got out of my car and looked up a clear sky, 
a sky that has not been clear in a while.

God spoke, "See the stars and count them, if you could indeed count them."
Abraham?

Today, I'm not checking my emotional or spiritual pulse, 
Today, I'm not gonna beat my Bible and scream and cut myself 
in order to hear from God.
I'm not gonna drive myself crazy to get back something that is lost.
I'm not gonna let my feelings be my guide, 

I'm just gonna be still.
B.J. Thomas wrote a song when he rolled over to Christian music
in the 70's, 
"I'm gonna be still and let God love me."

This is what I am going to do today, 
Be still.


I replaced the Christmas tree with a ladder. 


Our House Number

I made this at Women's Craft Night last Fall. 


I added the photos of the Grands until I can get the energy
to put holes in the wall. 

Don't know if I need a hammer just yet!

Being Still, 






14 comments:

  1. God will provide. Yes He will. Sometimes I have to turn off the noise to hear Him. I too feel the depression. I once was told by my preacher that the reason I was depressed was that my faith was not strong enough. He may have been right but his lack of compassion and encouragement made me feel worse and I blamed myself even more. Mental illness is not a black and white diagnosis, it is full of gray areas, even preachers can not see.

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    1. You are so right, honey. I was made to feel this way too by a pastor who said that people may view me as "inconsistent." I was devastated. I am so thankful to have a pastor who understands and allows me to fan into flame the gift that God has given me and realizes that at times I may just need to be still. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. I, too am glad that you was able to talk to your pastor and he was understanding and non-judgmental. Being still is the best thing any of us can do, no matter what we are struggling with. I saw your post on facebook about David helping with the youth and I think that is WONDERFUL! Too old?? I don't think so, honey! It is good for the young folks to have a more mature person to look up to and glean from. It sounds like he is excited! I just want to tell you that I appreciate your transparency :) Love you, girl! ♥

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  3. Bonnie, More of us need to be still...because God does love us. Glad your pastor is there for you and your family. Blessings to all, xoxo, Susie
    p.s. love the ladder like that.

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  4. Being still is so valuable to our wellbeing. I'm glad you can be still today. So thankful for an understand and wise pastor! Life is just not all black and white, cut and dry, one answer fits all.....God Bless your still day, my friend.

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  5. Yes, my friend...
    Stillness helps me with my anxiety...
    But I have to remember to meditate and journal and rest.
    I can tell when I don't.
    I have found Mindfulness to be so very helpful.
    And hugs.
    Sending them. : )

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  6. I'm glad David got that position, I'm glad you were able to talk with your pastor and I'm glad you are being still. One day, or maybe one hour at a time my friend! Praying!

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  7. Being still is good for the soul! I pray that you feel better and better every day, just trust in God for guidance! It sounds like you are listening! HUGS!

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  8. Sometimes being still is the best thing we can be. I have periods where I need to do that, too. Even those of us that don't suffer from depression or anxiety or ADHD need to do that sometimes, Bonnie, so don't feel bad about it. It is how we center ourselves and look at things with a different 'eye' then we do when we are caught up in the swirl of emotions and/or everyday "things".
    God bless you. You will work this out because you have a strong faith--and you are looking to the right place for guidance instead of seeking the advice from everyone you run into...which a lot of people do. Hang tight- and Be Still until you feel the need to move from that spot. xo Diana

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  9. Bonnie, I feel that I have been in that "be still, and know that I am God" place. Some days I feel like I am losing control, and I forget WHO is in control. Be still.

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  10. Awwww sorry that you've been feeling bad. Glad that you have a great pastor to rely on for faithful help. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed, I too, have to be still and be one with god. Take each moment and each day at a time. : )

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  11. Bonnie, one of my favorite verses is Be still and know that I am God. I think it's wise to be still once in awhile, so that's good you are doing just that.

    Blessings to you on these February days, Bonnie.

    love, ~Sheri

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  12. Precious writing!glad to know you friend!

    wishing best for you and family in life .stay positive and constructive for yourself and world around you

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  13. هل تبحث عن شركة متخصصة فى مكافحة الحشرات نحن نقدم لكم افضل شركة مكافحة حشرات فى الدمام كما انه تقدم خدمة متميزة ايضا وهى تنظيف المنازل والمجالس والفلل والقصور وسبب تقديم هذه الخدم انه تهتم بالاناقة والمنظر الخلاب والصحة العامة خدمات شركتنا كاتالى شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف مجالس بالدمام

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