I apologize that my posts for awhile now haven't been uplifting.
I even thought about posting on my other blog,
The Upside of Down,
but nobody ever reads it and the truth is nobody wants
to know the "Down side of Up."
I'm struggling again with the malady of this diagnosis,
I hate it. I'm mad.
I'm mad for many reasons.
It's better for me to just put it out there.
You'll have to be my therapist, since I don't have one
and since my last bad experience, I don't really want one.
That's a story that I can't share and would probably
result in the loss of his practice.
That makes me mad.
I'm mad because I have to take medications everyday.
I wish I had never started.
I wish I had never gotten a diagnosis.
I wish I had never taken an antidepressant, anti psychotic, anti-anxiety
anti-anything because the truth is it's all dependency.
Miss a day, and you find that out!
And now they top it all off with another DX of ADHD,
and another anti-something to combat the memory issues.
When I forgot my medication.
I can not think, I can not remember how to the daily operations
of the business.
Yesterday, the sales leader scolded me in front of a customer
for asking her to repeat her email.
I had to get a credit card approval over the phone.
I especially don't hear well over the phone.
The customer service rep wanted to know our store number.
I didn't know it and didn't understand what she said.
The manager on duty said in front of the customer,
"You don't know our store number? Where have you been?"
I may not be able to hear,
but I'm not stupid.
Maybe a different kind of crazy, but not stupid.
The truth is my brain would not let me focus
enough to complete the tasks.
I've heard this at every job I've had for the last 10 years.
I thought this was going to be different.
I'm mad because the medication has affected my cognition.
I don't believe adding a new diagnosis and a new medication is the answer.
I'm mad because I can't hear and insurance has been cut and won't pay for hearing aids.
Sometimes, I wonder if the hearing loss has contributed to the decline in my mental status.
I'm mad because all of this affects my ability to work.
I want to work. I love to work.
I'm sad now, too. Not necessarily mad that people don't understand.
I can write about anything else and get lots of responses,
but talk about mental illness and everyone bolts.
I can't tell the people in the new church what is wrong.
They expect me to be cheerful and encouraging and uplifting.
I call it putting on my happy face.
Oh, I can do that!
I'm a professional when it comes to putting on the happy face,
the me everybody wants to see.
It's the ugly cry, the crazy woman in the basement (as a friend calls her depression)
that no one wants to see.
Today was my day off.
Work has helped with the depression,
but work is now causing the mix of depression and mania
to raise it's ugly head.
I need someone to listen tonight.
I'm sorry that this is not pretty.
Although, I will show you a "pretty" that I am working on
to keep the demons at bay.
Please don't judge me.
Oh, how I bow my head and knees before my Creator.
I pray for healing. I pray for acceptance and most times I'm there.
Tonight, I'm not. He knows that.
Pray for me.
That's all I can ask from anyone.
I've listened to this song all day.
Hope you will find it helpful for whatever is going on in your life.