Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Down Side of Up

I apologize that my posts for awhile now haven't been uplifting.
I even thought about posting on my other blog, 
The Upside of Down, 
but nobody ever reads it and the truth is nobody wants
to know the "Down side of Up."

I'm struggling again with the malady of this diagnosis, 
"Bipolar Disorder."
I hate it. I'm mad. 
I'm mad for many reasons. 

It's better for me to just put it out there. 
You'll have to be my therapist, since I don't have one 
and since my last bad experience, I don't really want one.
That's a story that I can't share and would probably 
result in the loss of his practice.
That makes me mad. 

I'm mad because I have to take medications everyday.
I wish I had never started. 
I wish I had never gotten a diagnosis.
I wish I had never taken an antidepressant, anti psychotic, anti-anxiety
anti-anything because the truth is it's all dependency.
Miss a day, and you find that out!
And now they top it all off with another DX of ADHD, 
and another anti-something to combat the memory issues.

When I forgot my medication.
I can not think, I can not remember how to the daily operations
of the business. 
Yesterday, the sales leader scolded me in front of a customer 
for asking her to repeat her email.
I had to get a credit card approval over the phone.
I especially don't hear well over the phone.
The customer service rep wanted to know our store number.
I didn't know it and didn't understand what she said.
The manager on duty said in front of the customer, 
"You don't know our store number?  Where have you been?"

I may not be able to hear, 
but I'm not stupid.
Maybe a different kind of crazy, but not stupid.
The truth is my brain would not let me focus 
enough to complete the tasks. 
I've heard this at every job I've had for the last 10 years. 
I thought this was going to be different.

I'm mad because the medication has affected my cognition. 
I don't believe adding a new diagnosis and a new medication is the answer.

I'm mad because I can't hear and insurance has been cut and won't pay for hearing aids.
Sometimes, I wonder if the hearing loss has contributed to the decline in my mental status. 
I'm mad because all of this affects my ability to work.  
I want to work.  I love to work.  

I'm sad now, too.  Not necessarily mad that people don't understand.
I can write about anything else and get lots of responses, 
but talk about mental illness and everyone bolts. 

I can't tell the people in the new church what is wrong. 
They expect me to be cheerful and encouraging and uplifting. 
I call it putting on my happy face. 
Oh, I can do that!
I'm a professional when it comes to putting on the happy face, 
the me everybody wants to see. 

It's the ugly cry, the crazy woman in the basement (as a friend calls her depression)
that no one wants to see. 

Today was my day off. 
Work has helped with the depression, 
but work is now causing the mix of depression and mania
to raise it's ugly head.

I need someone to listen tonight. 
I'm sorry that this is not pretty.
Although, I will show you a "pretty" that I am working on 
to keep the demons at bay.

Please don't judge me.
Oh, how I bow my head and knees before my Creator.
I pray for healing.  I pray for acceptance and most times I'm there.
Tonight, I'm not.  He knows that.
Pray for me. 
That's all I can ask from anyone. 

I've listened to this song all day. 
Hope you will find it helpful for whatever is going on in your life. 


  1. I'm praying right now, my friend. And sending you a big heartfelt [[hug]]!
    Ellen ADHD and takes daily meds. Through the years she would bulk at taking them because she was plain down tired of taking them. She's right there with you!
    I hear you about health insurance....that's something that can get my blood to a boil :/
    Love the song. It speaks to me every time I hear it.
    God bless you today with many moments where you can see his hand at work for you!

  2. No judging...whom I to judge anyone? Keeping you in prayer...I once worked for a home retailer and was belittled like that and I promptly told the management do not ever berate me in public like that again...she didn't because her boss was standing there and he liked what I said. As a matter of fact, I became a "keyholder". ANYWAYS, Bonnie...keeping you in prayer...sending you lots of hugs and love, my friend.

  3. You know, it's a good thing to be real. Real people experience sorrow and pain every much as joy and happiness. Perhaps more. Hiding something doesn't make it go away. I've been there and done that. Sharing your reality is healthy. Asking for prayer is wise. Sometimes we simply can't pray for ourselves. That's where friends come in to lift us up and carry us in prayer over the rocky places we're struggling with.
    Love and prayers for you this day, Bonnie. Don't give up. Keep doing the next right thing. Take your meds. Go to work. Put one foot in front of the other. Keep writing and sharing. This is life and it is not always pretty!

  4. Bonnie, your ability to be real here is commendable. No judgment...but loads of empathy, love, and prayers. one way I deal with my anxiety is through
    mindfulness. I just try to remain in the moment. I remind myself what matters is the right here right now. that keeps those unwanted thoughts away. hugs from someone who understands.

  5. Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't ever feel bad for using your writing as a means to cope. Your blog-your way, I say. If people don't want to read or empathize than click away. I really hoped the new job would be such a blessing to you. It sounds like you have some very dysfunctional management working there. That is not professional at all. Saying a prayer for you!

  6. Praying right now for you and asking our Lord to be your support, strength and encouragement . Hugs and blessings , Cindy

  7. I am so sorry, Bonnie. That is what blogs are for. Not only for all the 'pretties' and lovelies in the world but also for sharing our dark moments. Being bi-polar is a hard issue to handle-for you and your family and friends. We have friends that are bi-polar. One of them keeps going off his meds because he doesn't think he needs them and then he goes into a deep funk.
    I am sorry you had such a bad experience with a counselor. Sometimes they can work a world of good--but not if you get one that shouldn't be counseling---and it sounds like that is the hand you were dealt.
    Bonnie- Do you realize that you are most likely eligible for disability? If you have an adequate diagnosis and can get it in writing you would certainly be eligible for disability checks every month. Have you thought about applying for that through the social security system? My one friend is now on total disability because she cannot concentrate long enough to do a job properly. Just a thought.

    Also, maybe being open and honest with people at church might help. People are more understanding than you think sometimes. It might help to not feel that you had to be someone you are not. It is hard to pretend to be happy when you are crying inside.

    God bless you- you are in my prayers. xo Diana

  8. Hang on honey! You have a lot of readers who care very much about you. I wish you didn't have to struggle like this, and hurt so much. We don't know each other, but I just love your blog, I wish I could do as well with mine, but I'm so new at the blog world that I don't have a clue how to do as good a job as you do.
    Don't give up on your meds! It takes a while to find what works, and I know how much it sucks to have to keep at it when you just want to feel better.
    Please don't give up. We all care.
    Laura www.vintagebounty.com

  9. No judging! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and that it is so hard at the moment. Remember - you have so many people who love you; family, friends and us - and most of all God. Also remember that you are so much more than those diagnosis. You are a wife, mom, Grandma, sister, friend and on top of that you are so talented. You can put together such a cozy look and I love seeing what you are up to. Praying for you, my friend!

  10. You are a good person, don't forget that. I am sure that your church family would rather hear about your struggles than leave you to manage on your own. Perhaps you can find just one person to tell and talk to at first and then you will feel more able to share which might lighten the load. Sending hugs.

  11. I'm sorry you are struggling right now, Bonnie...bipolar is a hard thing to deal with...I've had many family members with it. I hope you can get your meds at the right levels for you, so you are feeling better. Sending you a big xo!

  12. Oh dear friend, I promise to pray for you! My father-in-law had bipolar disorder and struggled with it too! So many I know have ADHD and take medicine to help with it! I pray that you will find balance with work and meds! Keep the faith my friend and lean on us when you need to talk! HUGS!

  13. Oh I feel for you. I am on disability for a number of reasons. #1 being that I am supersensitive and cannot take criticism. I suffer from clinical depression. I have been on antidepressants but not currently. Instead, I had to quit working. I went on disability for this and a number of reasons. (I couldn't hold a job without all the anguish). I don't sleep well because of my ileostomy and I'm tired all the time cause I don't sleep because of my kidney disease too! I couldn't focus at work either. I couldn't stand the criticism. I am my worst critic. Why can't I be a "normal" person, who works and contributes to her family? Why, when I get depressed, do I become the woman with the ugly cry? It makes me angry that even working in the medical field, a person gets no understanding or support. I would love to work, but don't think I could handle anything more that one day a week. When I was on medication, I always told myself it is like a diabetic who needs their insulin. I have a chemical imbalance. That is just how I'm wired. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense and I'm rambling. Just know that I care, and feel your pain.

  14. I have prayed, dear sweet Bonnie. Jesus loves you and cares about you. <3

  15. Bonnie, I'm sorry you're struggling with things right now. It's true, there can be many things that make us mad in the world. I've experienced much heart ache also, but I always try to see the many blessings that come my way every day. And my wish for you is peace of mind and bright days in this new year. Thinking of you, dear, and saying a prayer. :)

    love, ~Sheri

  16. I am so sorry I missed this post, Bonnie. I came here from the one you just wrote...I am so sorry that you have been going through this. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it's gonna be OK...and it will be...but I know you need more assurance than me telling you it will be. I can tell you though, that I will pray for you, my friend. I know that you know where your strength comes from...Jesus is the only One who knows you better than you know yourself. I pray that between this post and the next, you have received some strength, peace and comfort! Hugs and much love to you!♥


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