Sunday, August 28, 2016

Long Post

Long post!
Proceed with Caution!
The light is blinking RED!

This is what I did yesterday.

I finished some unfinished projects.
The chalkboard has been redone 3 times now, 
two of which were since we moved into our new home. 

I had some left over burlap, enough paint to scrape 
from the bottom of the can, and I am well pleased.

No, I'm not OCD so it doesn't matter to me that 
the ribbon is not completely even and the paint dripped a bit.
I'm too ADD and BPD with PD to be OCD.
One more label D would send me over the edge.
Yeah, look em up. 

It rained, the lights flickered and I just enjoyed the serenity
of a day alone in my world.

The larger grapevine is now a cotton wreath
that hangs on the front door.
You've seen it!
The smaller one I found for 25 cents.
It was plain and blah all alone so,
I just tied a piece of ribbon in a knot and added the rosettes.

I bought an ugly, hideous brown and gold lamp
with a dirty beige lamp shade for $5.
I painted the shade white and the base navy.
It was fun.
I'd never painted a cloth lamp shade.
Hey, it works.

Guess what?
It didn't work!
Not the paint, the lamp!
All that work and the socket needs replacing.

It was fun, but the hubby says trash it.
What do you think?

It's slowly beginning to feel like home.

Then why am I so down?
I have more than enough,
more than I ever dreamed I'd have.
That's the crazy of the crazies...
no rhyme or reason.

But maybe there is reason this time.

It's Sunday evening, the beginning of a new week.

As usual, I'm feeling a bit melancholy.
The Sunday evening blues are present at this time every week.
These feelings have been the norm since my mama passed away.
Even if the kids come over, there's still the emptiness
when their gone.  They don't get it yet.

September 10 will be 6 years ago.

I'm feeling it more this week for two reasons. 
First of all, the anniversary of her death is approaching 
and I can feel it in the air.
Second, I have a friend back home who recently lost her mother. 
I haven't been able to be there for her and I feel sad
and I remember. 

From 2008 when Mama entered the nursing home 
until Daddy passed away 6 months later, 
I cooked breakfast for him on Sunday evenings. 

He'd go to church and insist that I go too.
I'd reassure him that his biscuits, sausage, grits and eggs 
would be waiting when he returned, 
but no, I was not going to the evening service. 

There was a constand battle between us. 
He was too sick and weak to go to church, 
but he felt like that was where he was supposed to be.
I'm not sure that his going wasn't merely out of duty, but it was a lost battle
that I had stopped fighting.
He was going to church, sick or not!

Often he would fall while there.
On more than one occasion I had to turn off the stove 
and meet the pastor with him at the ER.

He was often disappointed in me because I 
had chosen for my church day to be done with Sunday morning.
Never mind that I had taken care of him most of the week
and God knew I needed to keep the Sabboth day holy and rest!
He didn't get that I could worship long after I walked out the door.
There was the regular discussion, 
"Your mama would be disappointed in you."

But, no, he was wrong. 
Mama always had my back. 
It's what mama's do, right?

I'm so sorry. 
I didn't intend to go there. 

I'm just feeling some loss. 
I miss my family and the homeplace that is no more.
That's a constant.

I miss my friends back home. 
At some point you have to let go. 
Maybe it's easy for some to still communicate 
and nuture those relationships. 

My heart hurts that I can't, 
but our life is here now and I still have this pull
to be all things to all people.
I lugged that weight all the way up here
and find myself doing it again.
I surely can't take on two worlds.

I have a friend back home who is literally dying and she needs me.
I pray for her and cry for her.
She's there and I'm here and I honestly haven't been able to be there for her.

So there's the guilt that keeps roaring it's ugly head.

Can you feel the heaviness of this post.
Oh my goodness, just reading it, pulls me under.
Too much to be left inside, I feel my heart will explode!

So there!
I warned you!

If you only looked at my pictures, great!
You enjoyed my Saturday with me.

If you read, the gloom and doom,
just pray for me.
I'll be okay.
I always am.

I'm about to go to bed. It's now past midnight.

It's officially a new day!

A New Day?
I can use one of those.
I'll take it!


  1. {{{Bonnie}}} Keeping you in prayer and fix the lamp, for petes sake. lol

  2. I will pray for you to find peace in where you are and where you can't be. One of my newest sayings when I feel pulled in all directions is "I just can't be everywhere". Have a blessed Monday dear friend. Hugs

  3. Praying for you Bonnie. Thoroughly understand your situation. This week would have been mine and John's 48th wedding anniversary and it is so hard to think that he's not here to celebrate. I know he is in a far better place but it is still so hard. Keep your chin up. We all have days like that.


  4. Oh Bonnie, my heart hurts for you. I still feel it whenever the time of year comes when my Alan passed on. You have gone through so many changes with a move to another location and then the stress and fun of have a new home built. As we age, I think the old and familiar is more special to us and it's harder to let go. Your dad may have been a little disappointed with you for not attending Sunday evening service, but God knew your heart.
    As far as the lamp - I've always been a bit leary of lamps that were faulty. If you like enough to have the socket replaces - then by all means! It is very pretty with the navy and white and it would look very nice with your decor. Praying for you, my friend.

  5. Yes, I agree with Linda...fix that lamp, girl! You went to too much work to toss it! It will look great in your new space! Oh, and I wish I could be there to give you a hug...and one of these days, I will knock on that blue door and do just that! Hang in there, sweet friend. {{HUGS}}

  6. Bonnie, I think you did well trying to work that lamp...I'd probably try to mend it. I am sending you hugs. On Sept. the 9th , my mother will be gone 10 years. The sharp pain of loss can ease somewhat, but the longing never goes away. The longing for our parents, the first ones to love us. Blessings to you honey, xoxo, Susie

  7. (((( Bonnie )))) I'm so sorry you're feeling down but I do understand! You've been through a lot my friend so please try to be gentle with yourself. The nagging voices that pressure us to do more, be more, etc. need to be kicked to the curb! One MUST care for themselves first or there's nothing left to give to others. When we lose our parents, there is such a void in our lives ~ whether we had a great relationship or not. Your dad's comment about your mom being disappointed is unfair and one to place guilt. I hope that you can find a way to ignore it!

    Wish we were closer...I'd make a pot of tea for you and give you a soft quilt to wrap up in and rest. Will definitely hold you in prayer!

    P.S. First, you know your personal situation so please ignore this if you need to. Your friend that is dying does need you. Is there any way that you might see her for just one day? Do you talk to her by phone, email, etc?? I just don't want you to feel even more guilt after she's gone.

  8. I read it all the way through....sending you a BIG [[hug]]! (OCD I am not, but ADD I am. Sometimes I think a little OCD could be to my advantage....then again, maybe not!) My mama passed in 1982. I was only 28. I have experienced so much since that day....hard, hard stuff.....that the pain of her passing has eased. Somehow, and by God's precious gift of Grace, we go on. Praying for you to feel his comfort today, my friend!
    You can paint lamp shades??? Who knew!!


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