Sunday, January 7, 2018

Gasping for Air

Hold on tight!  It's gonna be a long ride, you might say.  I've struggled with blogging the past two years because for one, I have a horrible Internet server, and two, Windows XP is not my favorite.  As a matter of fact, I had written a nice, long post about our family Christmas, hit the wrong button and it was gone!  Just like that!  I put so much emotion into my writings that I'm too spent to repeat myself once it's gone.  This one will be no different.  So, if it doesn't happen, maybe I'll feel like going there again...later.  Who knows.

I'll start off by sharing my Christmas photos.  That way you can enjoy the happy and not read on to the nitty, gritty if you so choose.

I think this is promise to be my all time favorite of me and the kids.  This was taken on a random night with family.  I realized there were few pictures of me and the kids and I needed a good one.  My eyes were terrible.  I had a collision with a chair at the facility and got a black eye.  The black is gone, but the puffy was still there.  One bad eye, but one happy heart.

I did very little decorating this year except in the foyer and living room.
I changed up my colors this year and decided to add a pop of red.
I moved my bench from the dining room to the living room.
I added a pom pom banner that you can't see here.
I think I'm staying with the red while the kids are little. 
They loved it!
I filled the galvanized bucket with some wood from a friend's house and some 99 cents greenery and berries from Goodwill.  A lot of my tree came from 99 cents Goodwill bags.
My favorite addition this year was the wooden nativity painting.  It was the focal point of our home and my heart this year. 
We went home to Georgia this year so Christmas with the kids was the Sunday evening before Christmas Eve Sunday. 
With my job, it was impossible to find another time to bake cookies so the little ones came early and we baked cookies.
 Connor is a pro!  The girls were too busy being Princesses!
I tell you what, they reign!
It was a night of pure joy!
My cup runneth over!
This is a forever picture that will remain on the bar for me to enjoy all year!
I could stay here forever, but my heart needs to bleed a bit.  I know there will be tears with this post. 
I share my heart so openly on here.  Maybe, it's because I can't see you on the other side that I am able to be so open.  Then again, I think I know there is no judgment here.  I'm not sure that I all I type is appropriate.  I don't think I'm breaking HIPPA rules when I don't say where I'm from or who I'm talking about it or go into details.  At least, I hope not.  I may be going to jail anyway.  Add one more thing to the charges. 
No, seriously.  On Friday before Christmas, I had a major meltdown that put me at urgent care with the possibility of a transfer to the local ER.
It was no ordinary day.  It should have been, could have been and what I thought would have been. My day begins between 7-7:15am with members arriving at 7:30.  On this particular happy FRIDAY before Christmas, I had to work as usual without the usual Christmas EVE day off that I've had in the past.  I have resigned myself to the world of caregiving and entered this day with bells on.  I was early welcomed by a somewhat, strange greeting from a family member of one of our members. I love our members and families.  I never expect anything but happy families and happy members because I've never had reason to think otherwise.  Well, this day was different.  I will spare you the details for the protection of all involved.  The jest of it was that they didn't feel that their loved one was safe or was being cared for.  My first response was to get defensive and I was.  In retrospect, I could have handled things differently. My response was one of, "Is there any reason why you feel she would not be safe?"  At this point, my mind is reeling and I find myself getting dizzy.  I'm not sure it's vertigo from my ears or if I'm gonna pass out.  I've never, ever in all my 25 years in healthcare ever, ever been accused of abuse or neglect.  I'm sure my response was less than professional because I was trying to figure out where this was coming from.  
Shortly, thereafter, my blood pressure spiked to 167/117 and I started having chest pains. I had been struggling with vertigo for the past few days and had been taking OTC Sudafed which didn't help the BP.  I was already shorthanded, was maxed to capacity, my boss was out of town, his parents were filling in at another center. Needless to say, I called them.  They came in and I was at urgent care. After three hours, the chest pains subsided.  Although my blood pressure was still elevated, the doctor felt that it was safe to send me home... HOME! NOT back to work. 
Christmas is a blur.  We went home to GA and I hibernated at my sisters where I was safe.  Being the counselor that she is, she always knows how to help me process everything.  I still feel like I am in a whirlwind.  My brain is in overdrive.  I've been in constant panic mode.  I've not been on anti-anxiety meds in over 6 months until this.  The member's family has transferred their loved one to another facility.  I have had several conversations with my boss.  He has my back but not without questions, of course, and not without investigation for lack of a better word.  There's really nothing to investigate.  We have an office suite with a kitchen and a bathroom that is open to everyone.  Nothing gets by me.  Nothing escapes my vision unless I go to the bathroom.  When I am in the bathroom, I have two assistants who are there to see what goes on.  I am dumbfounded to say the least.  Especially now that I've been told it's me that's the problem. That's all I can say.
Families need to be educated on mental illness, Alzheimer's, Dementia, and others.  It's sad.  There are other symptoms that are often associated with the above including but not limited to paranoia, hallucinations, delusions and behaviors that are linked to all or some. 
I can't say more.  I just ask for your prayers.  I hope this is over, but I fear not.  I have since turned in my resignation, not because I'm guilty or I'm afraid, but because the job has been affecting my health for some time.  My position is Program Director. My job description never included that of a CNA, dietician, custodian, but I am all of the above in more ways than you can imagine.  But not once have those duties made me less professional or neglectful or abusive in any way.  My boss, who is a hard man and wants near perfection, has been kind to let me stay ( I guess!) until I can find something else or has asked that I stay to train someone.  Which is far better for him than me.  As I've said before, I thought God gave me this job.  I still believe that.  There's something good that will come out of this.  I can't bear to think that we may have to go back to Georgia, but I have surrendered my desires to God.  He will supply what is needed in all areas. 
Thanks for your prayers.  I know that God will vindicate me.  He knows my heart.  I dearly love this population, but I'm thinking it's time to find another line of work. 
I once got hit by a line-drive when pitching in my backyard baseball days.  I remember how that felt.  I was caught off-guard, smack in the belly!  That's what I'm feeling now and I'm gasping to get my breath. 


  1. I love, love, love the pictures! The one of you and the kids is indeed a keeper.
    Second - I totally understand your frustration and being upset. I've had upset family members when I've known that their person has received excellent care, and sometimes has been very difficult to care for. I feel that there has been a change in people, in that they always want to blame someone. I see it in schools where parents won't take responsibility for their kids behavior and they take it out on teachers. I see it in my work where family members expect one on one care for their person and don't care about all the other people who need care too. So yes, you've touched a hot button with me and I'm so sorry you are being hit personally with this.
    God has a plan, and it may be hard to see right now, but I know He's taking care of you.

  2. I hear you heart, my friend! I know you desire the BEST for your clients and I'm certain you did just that. I'm so sorry you are going through this. So so sorry.
    The pictures of your littles are just adorable. They help keep us sane, don't they?
    Praying for you and sending a hug your way. Take care, my friend!

  3. God just gave you a Christmas gift, the time to be a caregiver to yourself. Accept this gift with grace and use it to heal and find peace.

  4. {{{Bonnie}}} Keeping you in prayer...the patient should always come first, and I know loved ones have a hard time with this...I don't think your going to jail, smiles.

    Thank you for sharing our photos...keeping in prayer, sweet friend.

  5. Bonnie, I'm so glad you came by my Sunday Thoughts, so I was reminded to come and visit you. Sorry I've been remiss in seeing if you have anything new on your blog.

    I see the winds of storm circling you and my heart and prayers go out to you for this terrible time you've had to endure. If I didn't believe in a Sovereign God, a Loving God and a God in total control, I would have given up on life many years ago, and many times. But I know, and you know, there are things we cannot understand until we sit at His feet, and talk to Him face to face in that perfect place...Heaven. Until then I guess with Paul we have to say this "light affliction" HaHa..Light..he was shipwrecked, beaten many time, left for dead, imprisoned...So my are in good company. I know your Faith is strong, your heart is pure, and you will find that open door the Lord will provide. In the meantime, with all your friends, I join in holding you in my heart and prayers.

  6. Wow Bonnie...I hardly know what to say. You know I have you in my prayers, my friend. There's not much worse than when someone holds you responsible for something that you didn't do. I am so very sorry this has happened and that you will be leaving your job....God has a place for you and yes, there was a purpose for this experience. I just wish I could give you the biggest hug right now! One thing I do job is worth having a stroke over...that BP was so scary!!! My heart is with you, dear Bonnie! ♥

  7. Bonnie- First of all- what great pictures of all the kids including the one with you in it! Love it.

    I am so sorry you are going through all this. What a mess. I worked in a hospital for many years and saw so many things. It is especially hard when patients have dementia, or have some level of paranoia. Who knows what they will say to family and friends. It is just scary to think you are in the path of that bullet that was fired by the family.

    Hang in there- God does mete out a perfect justice and I think it will all be resolved and you will find something even better. I hope you are able to get back on the meds for anxiety because it should help you deal with issues as they pop up and not take such a toll on your emotions. My hubby suffers from anxiety and refuses to take his meds so I can certainly see the difference in him and his reactions when he is on them.

    God bless you- and I hope the year plays out in a kind manner for you- xo Diana

  8. The photos of you and the kiddos are just darling....and I'm so glad you had a nice visit with them prior to this setback. I'll hold you up in my prayers, but it sounds to me like this job was not for you, no matter how hard you tried. I think there is a better place for you to give your service and joy.

  9. Looks like children's are getting ready for a long ride.
    meet and greet parking luton


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