Missing Home

Looking back, I see that I've only blogged

about 5 times since before Christmas. 

It's been a really hard winter for us. 

David and I have been sick. 

We've both been to urgent care once 

and to the doctor twice in less than a month.

I had an asthma attack one night.

I will NEVER let my inhaler expire again.

We've managed to work, which has not 

necessarily been a good thing, giving 

our bodies little time to rest.

I had a tooth pulled which afforded me a 

few days off from work which I needed.

I've been in hibernation mode.

Spring is teasing me and playing with my emotions.

It's not been a cold winter in TN, 

but a dreary one with lots of gray skies 

and rain, cool and warm temperatures.

No Real Winter!

It will soon be 6 years in March since I've talked to my daddy.

This was his happy place.

This was home.

My husband's family lives on the other side of the lake now. 

Although I'm happy for them, it's hard 

to look across the water and see the old home place.

As I've said before, the hardest thing about 

going "home" is having no "home" to go home to. 

My daughter sent me a message this morning 

that they wanted to go "home" for a weekend.

She said, "Where will we stay?"

Right.  That's an issue. 

This is the image of my daddy that is forever etched in my mind.

The hard, hurting memories have now been replaced with 

good ones...

his teaching the little ones how to bait a hook 

and throw a pole or reel a fish in. 

I just wish he were here to teach my little ones...sniff! sniff!

I think the kids would like to go back here for a day.

It wasn't magnificent but it was home. 

I have many regrets, 

like why didn't we buy the home place.

We could have. 

We were just so ready to get away from all the pain. 

I've always heard, "Make no major decisions the first year."

I wish we had listened.

Some days, I long for the familiar. 

There are challenges with living near your grown children. 

We were empty nested for 13 years. 

We were on our own. 

We answered only to God. 

Sometimes the kids don't understand how we have changed. 

We're older. 

Sometimes, older looks "lazy."

We get tired easier.

Sometimes tired looks "depressed."

We like staying put and being home. 

Sometimes, staying put looks like

"you don't want to spend time with the children."

My longing for home, doesn't mean

I'm ready to move back. 

It just means I remember and I miss 

what can never be again. 

It's grieving and letting go. 

The first year here was our honeymoon. 

Now we are doing real life. 

Real life is hard. 

Change is not easy.

I think it takes us older ones a little longer to adjust. 

My kids may not see it like that. 

I'm gonna touch base with you guys for a bit, 

visit, then it's off to work I go. 

I'm Gonna Be Still Today

I just need to say, thank you, to all

who have encouraged me since my last post. 

I know it sounded desperate.

I suppose I was desperate, not for attention, 

as some may think, but for respite. 

I have since, stopped the med for ADHD. 

Although, I am back to being 

unable to find the words I want to say

or remember a person's name, 

I am not experiencing the overwhelming feelings 

of hopelessness. 

Sometimes, 

I don't know which is worse

mania or depression. 

I am able to recognize and distinguish 

between the two.

One always follows the other. 

When I'm on the meds, I am manic. 

Not the, head-over-hills-in-love-with-life kind, 

but the so angry-I-could-put-a-hole-in-a-wall kind.

The kind of hyper-anger that makes you feel like

you're in a boxing match with open air, 

jumping up and down, swinging and hitting nothing. 

I can't believe that we've been in our house 

almost a year and I've done very little decorating. 

I rarely go pickin'.  I have no interest in doing any 

of the the things, I normally love.  

That's when I know it's depression. 

Did I mention that I talked to our pastor?

He was very understanding and recognizes that it is not a spiritual matter. 

Thank God, for an understanding man of God. 

The church offered David a part time staff position 

to minister to our youth. 

I am seeing God breathe new life into him.

For that, I am grateful. 

However, in between, I began to voice my uncertainties to God, 

"We're too old."

He reminded me of Abraham 

and I remember the words God spoke to me about 5 years ago, 

"Along unfamiliar paths will I lead you,"

as was spoken to Abraham. 

I started to argue with God, 

"We are the least qualified."

And God reminded me of Gideon, 

of the weakest clan and the weakest in the clan. 

Yes, that's us!

I began to weep and cry, overwhelmed at the task that lay before us. 

God whispered, "Trust me."

I began to say, "The church is dreaming big, and we are so small."

God whispered, "I am going to do something in your day that you would not 

believe even if you were told."

This is what I truly believe, 

we have been put here for such a time as this. 

We have been put in this position so that when God answers 

and God moves and God builds the church, 

everyone will know and declare, It is truly GOD. 

There is absolutely no way this could have happened, BUT GOD!

I got out of my car and looked up a clear sky, 

a sky that has not been clear in a while.

God spoke, "See the stars and count them, if you could indeed count them."

Abraham?

Today, I'm not checking my emotional or spiritual pulse, 

Today, I'm not gonna beat my Bible and scream and cut myself 

in order to hear from God.

I'm not gonna drive myself crazy to get back something that is lost.

I'm not gonna let my feelings be my guide, 

I'm just gonna be still.

B.J. Thomas wrote a song when he rolled over to Christian music

in the 70's, 

"I'm gonna be still and let God love me."

This is what I am going to do today, 

Be still.

I replaced the Christmas tree with a ladder. 

Our House Number

I made this at Women's Craft Night last Fall. 

I added the photos of the Grands until I can get the energy

to put holes in the wall. 

Don't know if I need a hammer just yet!

Being Still, 

The Down Side of Up

I apologize that my posts for awhile now haven't been uplifting.

I even thought about posting on my other blog, 

The Upside of Down, 

but nobody ever reads it and the truth is nobody wants

to know the "Down side of Up."

I'm struggling again with the malady of this diagnosis, 

"Bipolar Disorder."

I hate it. I'm mad. 

I'm mad for many reasons. 

It's better for me to just put it out there. 

You'll have to be my therapist, since I don't have one 

and since my last bad experience, I don't really want one.

That's a story that I can't share and would probably 

result in the loss of his practice.

That makes me mad. 

I'm mad because I have to take medications everyday.

I wish I had never started. 

I wish I had never gotten a diagnosis.

I wish I had never taken an antidepressant, anti psychotic, anti-anxiety

anti-anything because the truth is it's all dependency.

Miss a day, and you find that out!

And now they top it all off with another DX of ADHD, 

and another anti-something to combat the memory issues.

When I forgot my medication.

I can not think, I can not remember how to the daily operations

of the business. 

Yesterday, the sales leader scolded me in front of a customer 

for asking her to repeat her email.

I had to get a credit card approval over the phone.

I especially don't hear well over the phone.

The customer service rep wanted to know our store number.

I didn't know it and didn't understand what she said.

The manager on duty said in front of the customer, 

"You don't know our store number?  Where have you been?"

I may not be able to hear, 

but I'm not stupid.

Maybe a different kind of crazy, but not stupid.

The truth is my brain would not let me focus 

enough to complete the tasks. 

I've heard this at every job I've had for the last 10 years. 

I thought this was going to be different.

I'm mad because the medication has affected my cognition. 

I don't believe adding a new diagnosis and a new medication is the answer.

I'm mad because I can't hear and insurance has been cut and won't pay for hearing aids.

Sometimes, I wonder if the hearing loss has contributed to the decline in my mental status. 

I'm mad because all of this affects my ability to work.  

I want to work.  I love to work.  

I'm sad now, too.  Not necessarily mad that people don't understand.

I can write about anything else and get lots of responses, 

but talk about mental illness and everyone bolts. 

I can't tell the people in the new church what is wrong. 

They expect me to be cheerful and encouraging and uplifting. 

I call it putting on my happy face. 

Oh, I can do that!

I'm a professional when it comes to putting on the happy face, 

the me everybody wants to see. 

It's the ugly cry, the crazy woman in the basement (as a friend calls her depression)

that no one wants to see. 

Today was my day off. 

Work has helped with the depression, 

but work is now causing the mix of depression and mania

to raise it's ugly head.

I need someone to listen tonight. 

I'm sorry that this is not pretty.

Although, I will show you a "pretty" that I am working on 

to keep the demons at bay.

Please don't judge me.

Oh, how I bow my head and knees before my Creator.

I pray for healing.  I pray for acceptance and most times I'm there.

Tonight, I'm not.  He knows that.

Pray for me. 

That's all I can ask from anyone. 

I've listened to this song all day. 

Hope you will find it helpful for whatever is going on in your life. 

Laura Story: Blessings 

I'm Back

No, I haven't disappeared from the face of the earth.

Yes, I have been super busy.

No, you have not seen any posts from me. 

Yes, either Blogger, the internet or my phone service is to blame. 

(Deep-breath sigh...)

I don't even know where I left off. 

I went home (my Georgia home) on New Year's weekend. 

It was good, very good. 

My brother, sister and I had a meal together. 

I had not see my brother in a few years 

since before we moved. 

In May, it will be two years since our move. 

I can't believe that. 

Anyway, it was a good visit.  I cried when I saw him

and he hugged me like only he can hug.  

Some wrongs were made right and again, I cried when we parted. 

My resolution this year was reconciliation.

God is good.

We all feel at peace.  

It's a feeling I haven't had in a long time. 

I'm still working part-time at The Loft Outlet.

I work with a great group of people. 

It's hard work, but it's fun. 

It's the first job that I've ever had

where I can go home and leave it.

I've been resting from the kids a bit since Christmas.

After Christmas, as always, my emotions took a plunge.

I've not said anything to the children, but I've just rested alot. 

Yesterday, I kept the youngest. 

We did girlie things all day.

We got her a vanity for Christmas.

She's discovered the mirror.

I think she likes what she sees. 

She has a new house and a play room besides her bedroom.

She has a teepee, a princess castle/tent, a table and chairs, 

a Minnie Kitchen, a princess castle doll house, 

a farmhouse with animals, baby dolls and Disney dolls

and only a couple of those things came from Santa and Mommy and Daddy.

Thanks to a December birthday. 

The weather here is crazy, snow one week and high 70s the next week 

with lots of rain.  

The Spring merchandise if already in.

It feels like it's already Spring.

Anyway, just wanted to touch base. 

The Christmas stuff has been put away and I've done a little 

of this and that. 

I'll share later. 

Hope your new year has been a happy one. 

Bonnie