Friday, October 14, 2016

I Need a Little Color in My Life


Again, I find myself stuck, overwhelmed, 
heavy-hearted, unsure and depressed. 

I wonder where these feelings come from, 
what is the source?
Is there really a source at all?

Sometimes, there is no explanation
for this heaviness. 
It comes out of nowhere, 
just the malady that is attached to me. 

In my quiet time, this morning, 
I think otherwise. 


I need some color in my life.

I find the source.
The Lord has walked me through 
His Word since our move. 
I know that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy.
There is a spiritual battle that I don't always recognize. 
Today, I do.

It comes in many forms..

Expectations from others, 
some realistic and valid 
and some of my own making. 

Either way, 
I try to please others. 

Someone posted on Facebook this week, 
a devotion from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young,
"Your concern to please others,
dampens your desire to please me, 
Your Creator.

These feelings often come when I step out 
in faith to do what God has called me to do. 

I am facilitating the start of a women's group.
I won't say I am leading because
I don't want the attention
and...what if it fails.

I know I'm being really venerable here, 
but right now, REAL is all I can do.

I'm supposed to be the strong one, right.
I'm the leader, the teacher.

So, I'm sitting on my back porch, 
asking God to make sense out of me.

I took a job this week, that I realize is too much for me. 

I came home, overwhelmed and spent.
I'm not 26 or 36 or even 46.
I'm not in the best health and I'm overweight.

My first assignment,
1.  Deep clean the bathrooms. Scrub the grout, 
the tile floors, and shower walls and door.
Clean the toilets, the sinks and the granite 
counter tops with granite cleaner.
2.  Dust bedrooms and all the trinkets.
Vacuuming, sweep and mop floors.
3.  Wash bedding and make beds.
4. Sort and do laundry.
all in my 3-hour shift.


When I asked her to sign my time sheet, 
she said the time was 3 hours, that I had stopped working 
30 minutes before when I was actually still working 
even as we were speaking.

As I said, I'm used to working hard, 
my body and back just can't do it anymore. 

I took on the task of being a caregiver.
I know that cleaning is part of caring for the elderly.
Thing is, this lady was only a few years older than I, 
was retired with an obviously magnificent retirement, 
with a magnificent house of which even I could not manage. 

I won't rattle on and on. 
Right now, our needs are greater than my husband's income. 
I know we bought a home, but rent was more than a home. 

So, much going on in this head. 


I think I'm gonna try to get a little closer 
to the color.  I think I need a little more than just white
in my life right now.

Jesus paints a beautiful picture, 
and not always in black and white,
right?







14 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you struggle with these things. I have two dear friends that suffer with depression and anxiety. While I want to help them I feel 'helpless' to do so. I know that you have God in your life and I think that is your best resource. Sometimes, it is the only backup plan we have- to let go and let God.

    I hope you have some medical treatment for the depression. I know it helps my friends (when they will take what is prescribed). Take care of yourself and let others know that you need help---even with your new group---ask for help if you need to do that.

    Love to you- Diana

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  2. Bonnie, I am sorry you are struggling here. Your new job does indeed sound like it's taxing physically and, like me, we just can't keep up like we used to. I've also been struggling with depression, often not sure what the source is. I'm praying you find some peace and some clear direction and also employment that you enjoy and isn't hard on you. Hugs

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  3. I'm sending you a hug, my friend. I just started leading, co-leading but the other leader is more busy than me, the women's group at church, again. I wonder way I'm doing this, again. It's a lot of work! But, I felt the nudge before there was a need and I obeyed. Strength for the task, right?! You will be amazing teaching this group.....I wish I lived closer so I could join. I mean that!
    The lady you were working for is crazy.....I really don't think even a 24 year old could do all that in 3 hrs!! Good grief.
    Go ahead, add more color.....perfect season for it!
    Sending my love <3

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  4. Bonnie, I say a prayer for you each night as you battle depression. Someone close to me battles it every day. Please know there are people who realize you are suffering and not just "sad".

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  5. Hi Honey, I think we may need bright colors to help us thru some of those gloomy days of winter. Bonnie, I pray all the time. I feel sad if I have too many gloomy cloudy days in a row. I did not used to be that way. Maybe it's age or missing mommy or my days of raising children. It sounds to me the new job is a heck of a work load...don't despair if you can't do it. There's something just right for you out there. Singing in church could lift your spirits. :) Wish we could give each other hugs when we needed them. LOL. Bless your heart sweet girl, xoxo, Susie

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  6. First, I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE your look here {{{squealing with delight}}}...I just plum love it, Bonnie....

    I am sorry, sweet friend....I just don't know what to say....sending you lots of love and hugs, you know where to find me, smiles.

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  7. Color is good! life is not just black and white.
    Hugs to you

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  8. First of all, that list of jobs makes me mad! That woman needs a house cleaner, not an elders helper. And it's to much to do in 3 hours. I don't think many people could do it. I think there is something better out there for you. Praying for you this evening that the weekend allows time for refreshment and lifts your spirits.

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  9. I used to have a cleaning business and then I cleaned offices for a while. What I loved about the office cleaning was that there was a chore list and, as long as those chores were done and done well, time did not matter. Some people work faster than ofhers! All fhe best as you keep on plugging...God knows just what you need and He will provide. God bless you!

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  10. You know I battle depression daily, Bonnie! And, it isn't always just a spiritual attack. For me, anyway, it truly is a chemical imbalance that I Must take medication for! I trust God for healing in the midst but know I am a more stable soul when I am consistent with my meds. I'm praying that God will protect your heart and your physical body in this season you find yourself in. Trusting for Peace! Blessings to you, Cindy xo

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  11. Bless your heart. It's hard to feel up when we are down. I read that devotional this week in Sarah Young's book, too. My sister bought books for all four of us siblings so we all read the same thing every day.
    When I'm blue I clean - my house not others.
    Perhaps your first choice of a job was not the best fit. No matter. You didn't sign in blood or concrete.
    I wrote this quote on a blackboard here at home so I can see it every day.
    It says: Until God opens a door - just praise Him in the hall!That's exactly what you are doing right now.
    Sometimes, when I get sad or concerned, I just remember how God has never failed me. Ever. He has always provided for my every need. Always. Even when I stepped out on what looked like thin air. Instead of falling, he walked me across clear glass before he set me down in a large place. What he's done for me and others - he will do for you.
    Love and prayers from Texas!

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  12. I'm also sorry that you are having tough times. That job doesn't sound like one that would uplift-there are other jobs out there that can be a better fit for you. Good luck as you deal with your sadness. I agree that color is a big pick up!

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  13. Oh dear, that's too much for 3 hours! I am 62 with lots of energy and would hand the keys back over if someone asked me to do ALL of that! Sending you hugs this morning and prayers for answers to your questions! Have a blessed and colorful day dear friend!

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  14. Bonnie, I so need color in my life. I don't know how people can have all white in their house. I'm glad you're getting a little color in your life as well. I think it will bring you sunshine.

    Here's to deep cleaning your house, that is fantastic! Dusting is one of my worse chores. :)

    ~Sheri

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