Again, I find myself stuck, overwhelmed,
heavy-hearted, unsure and depressed.
I wonder where these feelings come from,
what is the source?
Is there really a source at all?
Sometimes, there is no explanation
for this heaviness.
It comes out of nowhere,
just the malady that is attached to me.
In my quiet time, this morning,
I think otherwise.
I need some color in my life.
I find the source.
The Lord has walked me through
His Word since our move.
I know that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy.
There is a spiritual battle that I don't always recognize.
Today, I do.
It comes in many forms..
Expectations from others,
some realistic and valid
and some of my own making.
I try to please others.
Someone posted on Facebook this week,
a devotion from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young,
"Your concern to please others,
dampens your desire to please me,
These feelings often come when I step out
in faith to do what God has called me to do.
I am facilitating the start of a women's group.
I won't say I am leading because
I don't want the attention
and...what if it fails.
I know I'm being really venerable here,
but right now, REAL is all I can do.
I'm supposed to be the strong one, right.
I'm the leader, the teacher.
So, I'm sitting on my back porch,
asking God to make sense out of me.
I took a job this week, that I realize is too much for me.
I came home, overwhelmed and spent.
I'm not 26 or 36 or even 46.
I'm not in the best health and I'm overweight.
My first assignment,
1. Deep clean the bathrooms. Scrub the grout,
the tile floors, and shower walls and door.
Clean the toilets, the sinks and the granite
counter tops with granite cleaner.
2. Dust bedrooms and all the trinkets.
Vacuuming, sweep and mop floors.
3. Wash bedding and make beds.
4. Sort and do laundry.
all in my 3-hour shift.
When I asked her to sign my time sheet,
she said the time was 3 hours, that I had stopped working
30 minutes before when I was actually still working
even as we were speaking.
As I said, I'm used to working hard,
my body and back just can't do it anymore.
I took on the task of being a caregiver.
I know that cleaning is part of caring for the elderly.
Thing is, this lady was only a few years older than I,
was retired with an obviously magnificent retirement,
with a magnificent house of which even I could not manage.
I won't rattle on and on.
Right now, our needs are greater than my husband's income.
I know we bought a home, but rent was more than a home.
So, much going on in this head.
I think I'm gonna try to get a little closer
to the color. I think I need a little more than just white
in my life right now.
Jesus paints a beautiful picture,
and not always in black and white,